Today is a day that
I have no reason to cry
Yet Can’t stop.

I have no reason
To be in the bed
But can’t get up.

I have no reason
To feel alone
But I do.

I always forget
About this hopeless
Cycle until it hits.

I tend to think
It won’t happen again
Until it does.

And I guess I don’t
Know much else except
This too shall pass.

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Don’t kid yourself girl
Sitting behind your desk
Work is good, kid is good
Everything is okay
Don’t need a thing.

Don’t fool yourself girl
Smiling and saying
It’s all good; all good
When you are longing
To be held tight.

Just stop it girl
Stop acting like
You didn’t notice
His new shoes
Or that quick glance.

That’s okay
It’s really all good
No time for play
Don’t need a thing
(Damn, I wish you’d kiss me).

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I was no older than 8 years old
When we met in my front yard
That warm summer day
On my grassy front yard
at 3377 Mission Drive.
I was on my back weeping
Looking up to the sky
Asking why…why things were
The way they were
When all of the sudden Your
Light came over me
And I floated with no feet
For the rest of the day
I glowed and felt a warmth
I would never feel again
Although I would spend
Some 20 years hunting Your
Love through empty bottles
And stained sheets.
I remember it like yesterday
Yet have never spoken of it-
How we met…until now.

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I have been in this space…
Where I want to write
Yet have nothing to type.

I have been in this space…
Where I want to dance
Yet have no rythmn.

I have been in this space…
Where I want to tell you
I love you and can’t.


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It’s okay-
Is all I can say
Because for me
Okay encompasses a
Subtle stability
A smile shared
With my beloved son
The capability to
Be around others
Without the indescribable
Need to sneak out
Of my empty shell
And roam aimlessly
Around the wooded
Pastures while family
And loved ones
Giggle and visit
Because you see
My existence has
Always been an
Implacable roller-coaster
Of insidious emotions
Feeling everything at once
Thoughts, multiple conversations
Impeding through my
Fragile shell of a being
Hindering and infiltrating
My delicate tissues
Rendering me powerless
Over all emotions
Volatile, capricious and
Mercurial to say the least
Then the pendulum swings
And nothing: empty
Malevolent, angry
Longing to feel something
Show compassion, care
SOMETHING- but there’s nothing
So when I say
It’s okay- I’m okay
Please excuse my
Lackadaisical articulation
Because okay for me
Is really damn good.

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 I got your Facebook request
And could not believe your nerve.
I got your follow-up message
In which you stated how you
Just couldn’t wait for us to be
“Facebook Buddies.”
You, yes, YOU.
You who tormented me
Year after year after year.
You who hated me, and who
Taught me to hate as well.
You who taught me something
That I had no word for then,
But now know as reverse discrimination.
Oh hell, let’s just call it what it was-racism.
So you want to be “buddies?”
Well let’s start here…..
Did you know I was vulnerable,
Lonely, and felt like
I belonged on another planet?
Did you know, despite outward
Appearances that I had no
Self-esteem and would  rather be
Anywhere on earth than around you?
Did you know that we didn’t have
Central air and heat, like you,
And spent winters in one room
Freezing after the fire burned out?
Did you know that I just wanted
To be accepted, loved and
Not constantly bullied by you?
Well I’m sorry, just so sorry,
That I must decline your “buddy”
Request at this time.
I really wish you the best,
But it’s just a little too damn late.

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I never thought it would be
This difficult for me
To open up and really
Show you how much
You mean to me.
I never thought for the
Life of me that I would
Hide myself from you
Like I have from everyone
Else all these years.
You are my world,
My life, my one and only
Reason for existence
And yet my melancholy
Draws me away from you
When you need me the most.
You are amazing, so difficult
And yet I would not have
You any other way because
You come from me and you
Are mine and I long so deeply
To break out of these
Bonds that hold me back
From embracing you completely.
It’s as if I am still afraid of
Losing you so I refuse
To get too close, don’t get
Too close for if I lost you
My world would shatter
There would be no
“Picking up the pieces”
And I don’t know what
Else I can possibly say
Except I will try harder
Just keep trying harder
Because I always told myself
If I ever had a kid they would
Never have to doubt
How much I loved them,
They would know.
I want you to know.
I need you to know.
So I will try harder
Just keep trying harder.

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