SHOULD HAVE BURNED THE LETTERS

It’s difficult to put into words how I feel, compounded by the fact that I am no less than disgusted in myself for “feeling” anything at all. I am stronger than I know….my son is beautiful, charming- clumsily dancing in the realm of perfection. (Although I realize my perception may be slightly partial). I should have burned these letters, they just sounded so damn good. I should have burned these letters, but I liked to read them over and over, wondering what my future might be like if they were not addressed from someone who’s tract record wasn’t more tainted than mine~ someone I knew would be saying the same beautiful things to someone else within a year…if not sooner. Someone who had said those things to another someone the year before, and so forth and so on. Although I must admit, I really wanted to believe some things and may have for a while. Like, “You’ve brought more hope and happiness into my life than anyone has….”, “I’ve never felt so right about anything in my entire life…” and perhaps,”You and Daymon won’t want for anything if I have anything to do with it”. Today I am grateful that Daymon doesn’t want for anything, and you don’t need to have anything to do with it. This is where my disappointment in myself comes in…that combined with my frustration with over the counter PMS medication. See now, I’m glad God kept that guard up that you insisted on breaking down to get in, and found it fit for me to see that “My Angel” is  used as commonly as household toilet paper these days. Our relationship wasn’t the issue, I knew from the beginning it wouldn’t last. We can never be honest with others when we don’t even realize we are lying to ourselves…and I’ve been there before too. It’s how you seem to do so well caring for children other than your own. The boys games, practices…always taking them here and there….such sweet pics of you playing Daddy at the zoo, etc. Not a pic or mention of YOUR children in sight. Again, why do I give a FLIP. I deserved better..and made the decision to hold out for it.  He deserves better…and will have it. I’ve also decided not to let any of the broken hearts or promises be Daymon’s this year…or any there after.

Advertisements

About beautifulmess3025

I'll forgive you long before I forgive myself. I'll push you away while I am longing to hold you. I find myself thinking of how much you mean to me..without saying it nearly enough. My son is teaching me how to love, laugh, and live:)
This entry was posted in POETRY and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s